look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
