Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
