last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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