so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
