Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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