i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
