White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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