I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
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