I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
