You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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