my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
