I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
