She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
