Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
