hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
