wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
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