I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Randomize
