The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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