I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize