# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Still dying that you shit outside
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
We're too hungover to prance.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
