Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
being pregnant is like rehab
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
