im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
