I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
