No stitches, just platelets and will power
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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