If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
