I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
