I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
