Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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