why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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