i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
You've changed since you got that strap on
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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