she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
