My sheets look like a crime scene.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Acid is not a monday night drug
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
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