cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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