I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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