I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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