I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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