Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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