Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
