A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
