Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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