Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
