I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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