It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
