Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
you will always have a special place in my vag
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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