Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I think I am morally bankrupt
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
