how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
