So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
