Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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