Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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