All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Randomize
