My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
