Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize
