no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
