is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Randomize
