So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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