Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
