I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
