You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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