connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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