the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
