Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
