Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
