Soap is not a condiment
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize