good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize