i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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