the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
